Off-Topic: It’s that time of year where I get dyspeptic

As you are certainly aware, a dark evil masquerading as spirituality has formed in the east around a nucleus of pure evil. The proponents of this “religion,” while claiming they live among us as brothers, are responsible for countless heinous acts, attacks on good Americans, and general erosion of tenets most fundamental to the United States.

And those are just the Red Sox fans living in Boston. Every year, thousands more are churned out by the “institutions of higher learning.” located there to disseminate their twisted, perverted views throughout our great nation.

Believe it or not, some people have suggested that my views on the Boston Red Sox and their fans are, well, irrational. But I can’t help the bile rising in my throat every time I see David Ortiz’ grinning, porcine mug on TV or hear about Many Ramirez being excused from some act of near criminal stupidity simply because he is Manny Ramirez (the pundits repeating their criminally clichéd mantra ‘That’s Manny being Manny’).

And it’s not just because of the franchise’s great success in recent years. As a lifelong Yankee fan, I always want to see my team win, but without competition the drama, the excitement is missing from the game. Omniscience is boring in sports; we fans want to worship men, not gods.

No I hate the Red Sox because of the way they win, and because of the smug self-righteous hive-mind superiority that induces in their fair-weather fans.  Seemingly every Red Sox game ends in a come-from-behind victory with an Ortiz walk-off home run topping the game like a cherry on a hot fudge sundae. Or a pitcher gets cancer, beating the disease in the off-season and returning to the mound amid the popping off of both flashbulbs and the fawning mouths of sports talk hosts. Or some schlub comes up from the minors and pitches a no-hitter in his first game.

Or the Yankees lose 4 games in a row to choke away the American League pennant.

It’s uncanny, movie script after movie script, all written to be pitched to the Hallmark Channel. And, naturally, the media loves it. An endless stream of television segments about the Sox’ saccharine heroics has transformed their players into, not demigods, but flawed, earthy heroes. Likewise, that dilapidated hovel Fenway Park has eclipsed the great Yankee Stadium as the true temple of baseball in the minds of the people. And Red Sox fans are eating it up.

Incidentally, I’ve yet to actually meet a Red Sox fan. All I’ve encountered are smug post-collegiate types who speak and act as if they have the world by the balls. Because college is the best time of your life, and everyone goes to college in freakin’ Boston. In fact, it’s depressing top note how seditious these fans are, turning on their original teams the moment they’re in an big city, living on their own for the first time, and faced with the very real possibility that they might get laid. It’s worth noting that, when the chips are down, Red Sox Fan is equally treasonous to his or her adopted team. When the Sox tank in the pennant race, a feat they perform with astounding regularity, there’s nary a ‘B’ to be found on the person of Sox fans.

But the worst characteristic of the Red Sox Fan is the constant loud-mouthed hypocrisy.  They yap their eloquent mantra, ‘Yankees Suck,’ though they cannot come up with any evidence that backs this well-reasoned argument. They crow about ‘reversing the curse’ with their 2004 World Series win, although all they did was prove that, for the previous 86 years, their team simply sucked.

And then there’s the hypocrisy. The Red Sox fan is quick to accuse the Yankees of ‘trying to buy the championship,’ by paying for high-priced talent. As if Boston fielded a team of volunteer local boys from Southie.

Dreams can’t always come true, and my dream involving the demolition of Fenway Park and replacement with a Starbucks on the corner of Landsdowne Street and Yawkey Way, which would house a display case featuring Ted Williams’ frozen head won’t be realized either.

But, as a true Yankees fan through thick and thin, the Red Sox can never take away my dreams. Or, for that matter, my sanity.




7 thoughts on “Off-Topic: It’s that time of year where I get dyspeptic

  1. Great article. The worst could easily be every girl who wears a Boston Red Sox hat (often in pink) and they can only say how much they love big Papi and think they Yankees suck. I don’t expect every fan to be able to discuss in detail strategy and different tactics the manager should take during the course of a game but at least learn the roster. Also, when I’m ready to have a grown up conversation with a Boston fan about the season it seems like the argument will easily go from:

    “I just see the Yankees having a better bullpen and overall better pitching the second half of the season while Bostons seems to be on the decline”

    (response) “But the Yankees SAAAWK”

    good article

  2. Hey man, I came here to read about beer, not boo-hoos about how the Red Sox are about to win the AL East for the first time since 1995! (that was the general gist I got out of this article) By the way, as of late this evening the Red Sox HAVE become the AL East winners so see you in the playoffs.

    OK, as you know I am a Sox fan because somehow growing up in NY State the Yankees never meant squat to me but the local pro-Sox fever finally infected me (as it were) after 14 years out here (no, NOT in college which was many many years before). You might claim it to be a bandwagon fever, but I was genuinely a fan before the Sox even had more than a daydream about winning the World Series. So, yes, you have actually met a Red Sox fan.

    What you say about David Ortiz and Manny Ramirez applies equally to Jason Giambi and A-Rod, in my view. Seriously: why do the Yankees continue to keep sweathog Giambi on the payroll when even he has admitted steroid use? And while I’ll admit A-Rod has had a great season it seems he’s been multi-tasking between hitting home runs and banging blondes behind his wife’s back and trying to cheat as usual during a ball game (Yelling to distract a Blue Jay during a game in hopes of confusing him to miss a catch doesn’t exactly rank down there with child molesting, but it’s still pretty dirty in my book and hardly representative of “Yankee Class”).

    Bash the Red Sox for the come-behind way they win, but you being a smart guy must admit it’s more genuine than stacking a team with the highest-paid mercenaries in baseball, courtesy of George Steinbrenner’s apparently infinite payroll, and hoping year after year after year that loading the deck with All-Stars will somehow earn the team a World Series win. That’s why the Red Sox are America’s team. There’s a difference between buying and deserving a championship. By the way, that’s not an “accusation” against the Yankees of trying to buy a championship, that’s the truth. Who’s got the highest payroll in baseball? A New York team, that’s who – and it ain’t the Mets.

    Now with regards to Yankee fans, what bothers me about them (not you of course but the other ones) is the expectations. The demand every year that their team win. Win the Division, win the ALCS, win the World Series. What is it, a birthright? Fair-weather fans exist on both sides; I’ve seen Yankee message boards online polluted with sorry-ass comments like “Our team sucks” and “Our season’s over” because Clemens had another crappy outing. And don’t even get me started on those stupid rappers who go around sporting “NY” hats just to look badass and hip.

    Regarding the dilapidated hovel that is Fenway, well, it may not be pretty, but it will still be standing, and hosting baseball games, after what’s left of Yankee Stadium is torn down and auctioned off piece by piece by Steinbrenner so he can run out and grab an 80-million dollar pitcher next year. I’m sure he lies awake at night consumed by the thought of picking up Josh Beckett or Curt Schilling, because nothing seems to amuse the NY management more than stealing Boston players away. Like Johnny Damon, who was reduced to serving as DH once the Yankees had no real use for him in the outfield.

    For the record, I do agree with you about Manny. I’m not impressed by him and hate how the Red Sox management let him get away with “sitting out games” and such other BS when he simply doesn’t feel like playing. Mike Lowell is worth ten of Manny, and amazingly the Sox aren’t sure they’re going to resign Lowell next year, but they’ll give Manny a free ride to be a lazy slob until he retires. Bizarre.

    October baseball coming your way!!

  3. See you in the playoffs, buddy.

    Dude, don’t cry to me about how you get caught up in whatever’s trendy at the moment. I vividly recall the time in Middle School, when you saw “Back to the Future” and, soon thereafter, got busted by the cops for hanging onto a car bumper on your skateboard. You had to go to the “Scared Straight” program, where some giant black dude with biceps the size of daisy hams gave a soliloquy about how kids who sneak a ride on car bumpers like that get assraped in ‘the joint.’ It’s the same as your love for the Sox. Like everyone else who studied in Boston, you jumped on the bandwagon, and now there you are in the 7th inning adding extra words to “Sweet Caroline,” much to Neil Diamond’s chagrin.

    The Yankees keep Giambi on the payroll because MLB says they can, and because he’s a dangerous hitter who can offer protection in the lineup (although he does seem a shadow of his former self). And at least dude had the stones to admit to his mistakes, unlike Big Papi, who’s obvious HGH habit simply hasn’t come to light yet.

    As for talk of Mercenaries, I find that hilarious coming from a fan of the team with the second highest payroll in the league. While we’re paying for Giambi, Clemens, Mussina and Rodriguez, most all of our other big-money players are Yankees from the get go. You take away the salaries of Jeter and Posada, two guys who’ve spent over a decade playing grittily for their ONE AND ONLY TEAM (trying to find a chowd that’s done THAT), and the Yanks come in lower than the payroll f the team stocked with such fine local Boston boys as Man Ram, Ortiz, Curt Schilling, Josh Beckett, Eric (cough) Gagne, and Dice-ok.

    Perhaps you’ve noticed that the Yankees totally reinvented their pitching staff IN THE MIDDLE OF THE SEASON! They’re relying on homegrown talent again, the same long-term strategy that created the last dynasty you guys watched from below, from 1996-2001.

    Incidentally, every fan wants their team to win the World Series every year. Some teams have just been better than others at actually pulling this off. Yankee fans should be proud of their team’s accomplishments over the years, but the only people who pull this ‘we expect to win the Series’ bullshit out of their ass are the pundits who need drama and controversy to generate ratings. Every time the Yanks lose in the playoffs, the sports media goes apeshit about how Joe Torre’s going to be fired. Guess what? He’s still in the dugout, looking as much like an extra from Michael Jackson’s “Thriller” video as ever.

    True baseball fans know that it’s a chaotic game. on any given day, the worst team can beat the best team. Money doesn’t buy championships, it massages the percentages. We Yankee fans suffer the same heartache when our team loses, but it’s extra bitter because we see the potential is there to go all the way. It’s not like being a Sox fan, where for 86 years you (meaning the 10 real fans sine before 2004) KNEW you had no shot from the outset, and were only disappointed in a detatched, passionless way.

    Yankee Stadium is coming down before Fenway for a couple of reasons. Mostly, it’s because the City of Boston is a cheap-ass city who’d rather fund its police to close down the town on account of a couple of Lite-Brites than pay for a stadium with more poles than Krakow. But also, Yankee Stadium has simply seen a lot more use than Fenway. With fans consistently filling the seats for eight decades, and with all those post-season games Fenway never needed to host, the place has been more worn in.

    I have half a mind to come down to Chowdland just to watch some playoffs with you, just to gloat at the inevitable. I’ll bring a ketchup packet for Schilling’s sock.

  4. OK, I will admit that I may not have been a Red Sox fan as long as you claim to have been a Yankee fan… (and it wasn’t a black guy in Attica talking about assraping fresh fish in the funhouse; it was a Mexican named Manuel. Or maybe it was Chico. But that’s beside the point). This leads me to something that I’ve been wondering about given all this talk about bandwagoneers.

    So this “lifelong Yankee” claim of yours… that means from birth, right? I’m confused about that because having first met you in 1983 I can’t think of a single time growing up that I ever saw, heard, or even guessed at any sign you might root for the Yankees. The very first hint I ever had you even KNEW about the Yankees must have been 2005 or even 2006!

    Now, forgive my poor mnemonic skills (a worthy sacrifice of many fried brain cells thanks to late-night drinking bouts with you and our fellow degenerates) but growing up I don’t recall any jubilation from you as October approached if the Yankees were having a good season (though this absence of excitement on your part might be excused by the fact the Yanks sucked during the 80’s). No hats, t-shirts, posters, conversations, or discussions by you of wanting to go to NYC to see the team, etc.

    Matter of fact, when we were teenagers I was specifically anti-sports (the angst of a gawky kid with no athletic ability shrugging off sports as “just stupid flock mentality BS” in classic sour grapes mode) so if you HAD been in favor of any element of organized sports I’d have taken note of that. If you were a Yankee fan during the 80’s then you must have been in the witness protection program.

    So, we need to see some evidence that you are a lifelong Yankee fan in order for your bandwagon accusation to stick to me. How about some pictures of you as a kid at Yankee Stadium, or wearing a Guidry or Mattingly shirt or some other element of proof. And please, no photoshopping in Yankee hats on the heads of you, Soraya, your mom and your aunt during a vacation to the steel factories in PA ’cause I’ll know. I also do not want to see a picture of the Yankee tattoo on your ass unless you are holding a dated newspaper next to it announcing Ronald Reagan winning a second term, or perhaps Challenger exploding.

    Otherwise we must conclude you became a bandwagon Yankee fan during the mid-to-late 90’s when they started winning an assload of World Serieses.

    With regards to Giambi/Ortiz, if Ortiz IS on something undetectable then apparently it doesn’t impact mental coordination or induce vacant slack-jawed loss of concentration coupled with psychotic expressions when sitting in the dugout, as is the case with Giambino. The broadcasters on NESN enjoy zooming in on him to see Giambi’s latest crazed Ted Bundy-esque grimaces (or is it Al Bundy?) as he sits there mysteriously sweating in 39 degree weather. It’s like fashion for the steroid crowd, only instead of wearing amusing clothing it’s an insane leer almost equally entertaining. You must admit that even if your unproven and unfounded accusation of Ortiz using HGH hold merit, at least his expressions, no matter how porcine, are more pleasant to behold and thus make for better television.

    With regard to mercenaries, the fact remains the payrolls for the two teams are as follows:

    195,229,045 New York Yankees 2007
    143,123,714 Boston Red Sox 2007

    this is courtesy of the following useful link:

    $52 million more for the NY team for supermen to make sure the deck is loaded with as many aces of spades as possible. I won’t bore you with a line-by-line comparison of individual player salaries, but suffice to say you have 3 Yankees making more than $20 million per year (A-Rod, Giambi, and Jeter) and no Red Sox anywhere near that figure (Manny is closest at $17 million). Furthermore, our 5 best players (in my view); Beckett, Lowell, Papelbon, Youkilis and Pedroia have combined earnings of $16,896,667. The 5 best on the Yankees? $87,808,525 for A-Rod, Jeter, Posada, Rivera and Pettite. Speaking of 5, the NY salaries for your 5 best are five times the Boston salaries for my 5 best! The only guys you seem to be getting a good deal for are Cano, Wang and Cabrera!

    You’re not kidding about this city being cheap-ass, by the way. We’re broke from paying for the big dig! But the real reason Fenway will not move is that all the booze peddlers around Kenmore would raise hell if their income were being threatened and as we all know, cops and bartenders run the show out here.

    And the real reason Yankee stadium is moving is that the stench from all the bodies of failed pitchers George Steinbrenner has literally thrown under the bus (sad how if a NY starter gives up a walk in, oh, the top of the third, his ass comes immediately off the mound so Mariano can run in and ensure a 10-1 save) has permeated the House that Ruth built (it was thanks to all those years as a Red Sox that made him what he was) and rendered it untenable. Or it could be the Bronx itself is too unsafe for the Yankees – or even well-armed, merciless hit men – to venture out in after dark.

    Yeah, c’mon out – playoffs start Wednesday but the games will get better next week after Boston and NY have dispatched the Angels and Indians to make way for the big Red Sox-Yankees ALCS. Don’t worry about the ketchup packet – just bring a box of Kleenex, ’cause there’s none in my house!

    Cheers on the Ommegang post by the way – I was just talking about the Ommegang brewery with someone 2 days ago. Weird coincidence!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s